One Lost Moment
by SiriuslovesRemus
Summary: How do you apologise for not trusting a former lover? Sirius Black and Remus Lupin reconnect after a lengthy separation and end up sharing a moment and so much more.


"Remus, I --"

"You don't have to," came the reply from behind him. Remus Lupin shifted a little in the velvet chair he had been relaxing in and turned to study the face of the man before him. Sirius's hair was long, far longer then Remus had ever seen it, still shiny even after everything but a bit matted, as if the other man could not be bothered to spend valuable time grooming it. Sirius's eyes were still sharp and pristine; the beauty remained, but the blue was darker like thunderclouds on a stormy afternoon, tinged in grey and betrayal and weariness. The same long, liquidy lashes framed them. Yes, he had retained his beauty, at least a trace of it, despite prison, but changes had been wrought too. The purple circles under Sirius's eyes looked hollow and bruised. He was too thin, angular, his lips scarred in numerous places as if he had bitten through them to keep from screaming. He was far paler too.

Remus sighed. There was no point cataloguing the damage that had been done to his once best friend, his former crush and the one person he loved more then anyone else on the face of the earth. Azkaban left many scars, mostly buried beneath the flesh. Yes, he knew. He had difficulty sleeping often and had heard Sirius's muffled shouts as he was roused by nightmares the type Remus could never face. Sirius had not been broken but it was breathtakingly close. He was testy, moody so often, given to bouts of swearing and desperation that he had never been driven to before. The last thing Remus wanted from the man before him, his Sirius, was an apology.

"How does someone say they are sorry for that anyway?" Sirius asked, stepping into the room and sitting down on a rough-hewn wooden chair. "I should have trusted you."

"We're even," Remus answered, raising his eyes to meet Sirius's own.

Sirius remained still, silent for a moment as he appraised Remus. Remus had always been studious and thoughtful, prone towards silence but not this oppressive, gloomy solitude that he seemed to favour now. He looked beaten down, careworn, that rich, golden brown hair given over to strands of silver, his eyes nestled in a hollow of brownish circles and half closed with exhaustion. More scars then ever, thin, faint red lines most of them, across the bridge of his nose as his cheekbones. Bite scars? Sirius did not know and found himself, for the first time he could recall, at a complete loss for words.

"No, we aren't. I trusted you, I did. You were -- hell, you were one of my best friends right after James. I knew you. If I'd just been secret keeper..." Sirius trailed off, slamming his fist down, hard on the chair, not even paying attention to the blossoming pain in his knuckles. "I chose Peter!" His voice rose, twisted with regret and misery, a far cry from the casual boredom he had always emanated during his school days. "I chose Peter and he betrayed us all. This is all my fault! It's my fault James and Lily are dead, my fault Harry has no parents." He broke off with a strangled cry, his throat closing.

Remus shook his head. "No, Sirius." He got up, kneeling beside the other man, who was bent over himself, his eyes hidden in his hands as he fought back the sobs. "We were all crazy then. It was madness. No one knew who they could trust. You did what you thought would be the best for James and Lily; Peter chose to go his own way." Unaware of what he was doing, Remus stood and slipped his arms around Sirius's neck, burying his face in Sirius' black hair and breathing in the scent of him. It was still there, that familiar smell he had always associated with Sirius, hidden under the smell of spilled firewhiskey and colonge Sirius had found Merlin knows where. That musk and sugar scent. Remus breathed him in, wishing he could take in all of Sirius, to never let him go.

"You don't know...I've felt like it was my fault for so long," Sirius whispered, his voice hoarse from tears he was refusing to let fall. "In Azkaban, I knew I was innocent of killing Peter, but I was so guilty of everything else."

"No," Remus said, planting a small kiss on Sirius's head as he stood up and let go. "You're guilty of nothing except wanting to protect your friends. If anyone should feel regret, it's me. I believed you a killer." He shook his head, bitter. "We were both fools, in our own way. It's over now. It's over and we must move on. You're Harry's godfather now, he needs you. There is no point in criticising your past choices."

Nodding slowly, Sirius sighed. That was Remus for you, he thought, always the clever one. "Thank you."

Instead of replying, Remus reached for Sirius's hand and gave it a quick squeeze, smiling a little, his eyes sympathetic. "You owe me no thanks, Sirius. At least you were brave. You've endured through so much more then I could ever face. Let's just...live."

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, drawing a breath. He could still feel in his muscles that old, familiar feeling, the twitching of spare energy. Back then it seemed like he could never sit still for a moment but years in a cage had all but beaten that old desire out of him. Allowing a long sigh to escape his lips, he looked up to Remus, Remus who had managed to keep it together in spite of the deaths of two of his friends and believing another guilty of murder and betrayal. Remus looked sombre often, too serious as if he hoped to escape tragedy by reading, but oh, so wise. Without really paying attention to what he was doing, Sirius caught Remus's hand and pulled him down, planting a kiss on his lips.

The kiss was an awakening. It had been so long, more then a decade, since they had last kissed one another, yet both of them remembered it as easy as if they had kissed just the day before. Remus tilted his face down, lowering himself until he was sitting on Sirius's knees and running his fingers through that hair, which was still silky despite the tangles. Sirius lifted his chin, pressing his lips to Remus's and then hungrily seeking out Remus's tongue, his own tongue exploring that familiar mouth. Remus's kiss tasted of tea and chocolate, his hair smelled like vanilla and Sirius found himself forgetting the recent past as the old memories took over. They were no longer schoolboys experimenting; both men now turned towards each other, pressing deeper, craving more. It was kissing and it was lust, but more then that it was love, as if the kiss was the key to unlock all the things they had both forgotten and pushed away during their long separation.

Pulling away was strange for them both. Remus bit his lip, his amber gaze fixed on Sirius as if expecting Sirius to say something; Sirius, for his part, just felt alone and cold without Remus's touch. It was a huge relief when instead of berating him for the kiss Remus smiled knowingly at Sirius.

"I --"

"I know."

"But I want to say it," Sirius said forcefully, his eyes blazing. He swallowed, took a deep breath and then smiled hopefully. "I love you."

"I did know that already," Remus answered primly, with his fussy little blush that had always made Sirius laugh and made him laugh once more. Remus did not blink. "I love you, Sirius. I always have. I always will. I am yours, if you are mine."

"I am." Sirius answered, the laugh cutting short at Remus's words. He glanced around, feeling awkward. "I have nothing to offer you anymore, I'm afraid the Black fortune is frozen at Gringott's and I have nothing except the clothes on my back, but I'm yours if you want me."

Remus leaned forward. "I do," he said, his voice extremely gentle to match the kiss he gave Sirius. He lifted his hands, plunging them into that hair he had always admired, and pulled Sirius closer to kiss him on the forehead. "I always have."


End file.
